TWO WEEKS TODAY....

i quit smoking..and its been really hard...i still crave them but i have the willpower to say no!....this last week has been strange..im still having a hard time sleeping..i lay there all night and feel like im always awake..and now im losing my self confidence..i was combing my hair for work yesterday and thought to myself, that im so ugly...it came out of nowhere and then i actually had the fleeting thought that i should kill myself before anyone sees me..it was crazy but i instantly knew it was the pills causing it and im aware of it so i can fight it..i cant quit the pills now..i have one more week to go on them for the first step..and since a lot of people are done after the first step,..im hoping that im one of them..wish me luck..

ONE WEEK

One week ago today, i smoked my last cigarette ever...its really been a rough week so dont let anyone tell you its easy to quit...the chantix im taking changed my attitude somewhat but i was made aware of it and im trying my best to adjust it and so far, its better..no matter what happens..i refuse to stop taking these pills..they are helping me do something that i could never do before.....and i will accept what ever happens and deal with it......Linda

DAY 4

yesterday was a bad day..i was so crabby that i refused to go to work..i stayed home and to vent my frustrations..i moved all the furniture around in my bedroom...it was heavy and took a couple of hours but i did it and felt better after i was done..i relaxed watching tv in bed and turned out my lite at 10.00..i got a good nites sleep and was up at 8am this morning..i have to be honest with you..i really want a cigerette so bad and im not sure how long it takes for the craving to go away..but i think its going to be a fight to the finish...when i started taking chantix..one of my friends at work did it too...it was just a coincedence but cool..we were comparing notes and symptems and it made it a little easier..well he broke down tuesday and bought a pack of cigerettes and smoked half of them before he realised how dumb he was...but dont worry...im going to beat this... no matter what......Linda

DAY 3

here it is ...day 3 and im starting to feel some changes..last nite was really bad..i couldnt go to sleep no matter how i tried..i tossed and turned and probably dozed of when it got daylight.....last nite when i got home from work my son informed me that the pills are starting to make me mean...that im not the nice person i was before the pills..he said i complain and will argue at the drop of a hat...well he might be right..i will have to watch everything i say and do..along with the change in personality, i noticed a constant nagging headache...and a soreness in my whole body...but on the upside, i noticed that food tastes different...ive been eating ramen noodles for years and loved them so i made some at work last nite...and found out how bad they suck now that i can taste them..lol..and for the record, i still havent smoked so im hoping the end..justifies the means..i will keep you posted.......Linda

DAY 2

well here it is tuesday and i havent had a cigerette since 11pm sunday nite..i didnt know it would be so hard..cigerettes have always been my comfort..my stress reliever..and its hard to give that up with what ive been going thru in my life..but im going to really try...ill take this one day at a time and i know i can do this...im now taking the Chantix  continuing week pack..its different then the first week..i found out yesterday morning when i took my first morning pill..i became extremely sick..i guess i still had nicotine in my system from sunday nite and it reacted..i also got very sick last nite when i took my second pill...but this morning, i took my morning pill and i didnt get that reaction like before..hopefully it means my system is clearing out and i will get well...stay with me..ill beat this.....Linda

DAY 7.....

Well..today is the last day i can smoke...and ive noticed lately..the pills are upsetting my stomach when i do smoke...so last nite, i decided for giggles, to give this a test run..so this morning, i got up at 730 and went right to the coffee pot..poured my coffee and instead of heading back to bed and lighting up a cig with my coffee..i went to my desk and turned on my pc...ive been playing on moga, youtube, facebook and several other sites just to keep my mind off that cigerette calling me from my bedroom..lol..i know ill have one later but i also know that in the morning, i must do the same thing i did today..dont go back to my room..change my morning habits...because  i know that when i get to work, ill stay busy and itll be easier...its 11am here now and i havent had a cig since 11pm last nite..this is going to be very hard but I CAN DO IT!!! be back later....

Day 4

well this is the fourth day ive been taking Chantix...today i notice a few changes in my personality..im breaking into tears for no reason..and i have a nagging headache that wont go away...both are sysptoms i can live with..maybe theyre not even symptoms....last thursday i went to leave for work and my car wouldnt start..and it still isent fixed...i love and miss driving my car and hate bumming rides back and forth to work...the mechanic who is going to pick up the car thinks its a module in the computer system of the car...if it is..thats big money and thats stressing me out too..so see? it could be my everyday problems causing the symptoms..even if it wasent..i wont quit the chantix...i will see this thru at whatever risk there is...ill be back soon..Linda...

The 2nd day..of the rest of my life....

well..yesterday i started to take the drug Chantix..its supposed to help you quit smoking..and with all the possible side effects...im figuring, what cant kill you, will cure you..lol but i decided to blog on a daily basis so i can kind of moniter any strange feelings i might have..well i took my 2nd pill this morning and i feel ok except im very jittery and have kind of a nagging headache which doesnt seem to go away with aspirin...i will continue my treatment regardless, because failing is not an option.....i will write more tomorrow on day three.....*hugz*...Linda

this blog isent for therapy this time because no thereapy could take the pain from my heart..and soul..the impossible happened...I think im still in denial...but here goes..I had a wonderful friend online who i thought hung the stars..he was that special..anytime i needed help..he was always there and had my back..for two years, hardly a day went by that we didnt speak..we plotted and conived and fought with the bad guys..and laughed that were partners in crime..and we always won...but in the last few months on a site called mobion..ive had problems with a clique of girls on there who hated me and him...they stressed me out on top of what i was already going thru and came real close to a breakdown..and like my knight in shining armor..he was always there..well recently it came to the point that he spent all his time picking up my peices when they hammered me..he finally told me to stay off the site..well, a few days ago, i went back on and was reading blogs and commenting some and i told him about it..then came the explosion..he was so angry..he told me our friendship was over..and goodbye..to lose him as a friend was pain ive never known..why? why did he dump our friendship for me not taking his advice???? he could have said.."your on your own"..or "dont come crying to me if they attack"..but to tell me goodbye?..i have been diagnosed with PTSD...and i guess hes afraid the attacks will put me over the edge..i hope in time he think about this cause he is such a good man, and maybe we can work it out....theres nothing i want more......Linda

Dream - Roy Orbison.

Therapy part 9...

i really need to blog right now..im stressed and need to get this out...as i told you, i was on a site called ixen,,which was bought by mobion..thats when everything changed..a lot of good people couldnt get on anymore but the ones that did..decided to take over the site...if they dont like you, they use vigilante tactics to chase you off of there...im probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet..im honest and loyal and a better friend you wont find...these girls have their own little click and if you disagree with them on anything, theyll   blog a lot of lies about you to embarrass you into leaving....well today. i wrote a blog and named names and told everyone about them...i dont plan to go back after today..so i consider this closuer..my best freind advised it and you know what? hes right! i do feel better..i should have done it a long time ago...and as a postscript of yesterday...i told you my boyfriend  isent talking to me again...well its hard to accept, when i see him in my chat box on facebook and hes not responding to any of my messages..it hurts a lot and im sure ill cry myself asleep again tonite..but you know what i realize now??? he dont deserve me! and hell never know what he gave up, its definatly his loss..so ill just go on and get stronger til all of this becomes a bad dream...thank you for reading this..ill be back tomorrow..im no where near done with this......Linda

Therapy part 8.....

well the doctor said to write anything thats bothering me..so here goes..i told you about my boyfriend, aley and how we are back together for the fourth time ..but i didnt tell you why..we will talk for weeks and everythings fine till one day..he doesnt respond to my texts...he wont talk to me for weeks and then suddenly out of the blue..he texts me and everything is fine..weve done this three times and it looks like were on our fourth....ok..tell me if im wrong...in january, he sent me a freind request on facebook..and i hadent heard from him in months..so i was so thrilled and accepted..we started talking again and its amazing how fast we got back together.. but things went smooth til may when he told me he was going into the hospital for chemo..he went in and we talked the first few days and then he stopped responding..i have been texting him since the end of may..with no responce...is he dumping me again? or is it because hes sick...i can go on his page and he has updates on his condition.. but he cant text me so i dont worry?..i also see the comments from the girls he knows in his hometown..they want to cook him dinner when he gets out..they want to take care of him and they love him...how do i compete with that? these are girls who are actually in his life...im finally coming to the realization..thats his real life and they are there to make him happy..and thats all i want for him is to be well and happy..im a fantasy online to him...someone to talk to when hes lonely or bored..but you know what? thats not enough for me..i want someone to talk to too..when im lonely or bored..but i want the real thing..i want his arms around me..to hold me and make my world good again...and i dont think ill find that with aley..i have nothing to offer him but..me.....Linda

Therapy..part 7..

ok..let me tell you about my job..back in december...of 09..they gave  a christmas present i will never forget..they laid me off and said theyed call me back in april..at first it was nice having the time off but after awhile, i watched my savings dwindeling..and by march, they were almost gone..well lucky for me..they called me back but the conditions werent very good...they gave me only part time..and 24 hours a week just wasent enough..but they informed me that they were the ones paying the unemployment and if i refused, they would cut off the unemployment for refusing work...so i went back to them..but the one bright side was they gave me my own office on the second floor..it was nice..i had my privacy..and could blissfully do my work...well when we went into april..it started to get really warm up there so i kept a fan in my window.. but then when we went into may..it got hot so i broke down and asked them to turn on the ac up there..that is when i found out..the ac dont work on the second floor..it was never hooked up because nobody ever had an office up there before..but they said they would get it fixed for me...well they never did..i sat up there seven hours a day when the temp would be 88 degrees or higher...the fans just circulated the hot air around...i asked if i could work on the first floor with the other girls and was told no..my computer was up there and they werent paying to have it hooked up downstairs...but they would try to get the ac fixrd up in my office..they never did..i sat up there everyday in the sweltering heat..and nobody cared..well it all came to a head on thursday june 3rd of this year...it was 99 degrees up there and i started feeling really sick..everybody leaves the office at six except me, i leave at eight..but that nite, i asked one of the girls to leave her pc on so i could work downstairs til i left..she knows it wasent allowed but she felt sorry for me and did it... so for the next two hours i worked in the ac..it was heaven but i was really sick by then..and at eight i left and headed for the long drive home..i thought maybe if i ate..id feel better so i stopped at Wendys and grabbed a burger..when i got home..i ate it but it didnt help..as the nite went on..the pain got worse..i couldnt sleep..my body and face was swelling and first thing in the morning..i went to the hospital..they ran tests and immediatly admitted me for severe dehydration..they couldnt even find a vein at first to put in the ivs..but my final diagnoses was my gall bladder was very infected and full stones it was ready to rupture..it had spread into my surrounding orgons so they put me on an antibiotic iv with the fluids and also..morphine for the pain...after 36 hours, they sent  me home with antibiotics,and  pain pills to clear up the infection and i would go next week for the surgery..well i didnt make it 3 days and i was under the knife...but im happy because the doctor made me take 30 days off the get well...so unfortunatly, i have to go back july 10th..but my plan is..i have the time to search for another job and thats what i plan to do...i will never go back there again...i stopped out there a few days ago to give them my note from the doctor and found out..they still havent fixed the ac upstairs..and thats when i decided...i will never go back there again..wish me luck.........Linda

Therapy part 6....

im sitting here on my pc..i have been blipping on blip.fm..and i find that relaxes me..two weeks ago..if i was stressing, id grab a couple of pills and not care that they turn me into a zombie...but now, i dumped them down the toilet and refused stronger ones today! i have never done pills in my life..and i wont now..anyway..i blip songs on blip.fm and it relaxes me..i text back and forth with my daughter and that always perks me up..and there is cpher...a lot of people dont like cats..but you have to know just by the things i tell you that hes a big part of my healing.. i guess i just need love..but its not the love a family can give you....so im counting on aley to recover..cause hopefully he will be in my future..but for right now, ill lean on my freinds and family..and speaking of friends...let me tell you about my rock n soul mate..you know im not sure if he even feels that way anymore..a couple of weeks ago..i was strung out on my pills and and i said some things that were not meant the way they sounded but it came out that way..i was sorry but he was upset....and almost ended our friendship...two years ago we met online..again, ixen...and became close friends..he was always there for me and my guardian angel,,we talked daily all that time..he has heart problems and even when he was in the hospital, he would text me...we have talked on the phone too and what a pleasure it is to hear that soft spoken english voice..hes married and has a beautiful wife and daughter..whom he loves very much...i look at him as my dearest friend..but to be honest..there was i a time when i looked at him as more..i told my therapist about it and she made me see that i was substituting him for the real thing because he was so far away, i felt safe...shes sorta thinking ill do the same thing with aley..but were going to work on it so well see..so im sure he'll read this...so i just want to say..i hope we can mend our fences..cause im doing everything i can to get well..ive even agreed to in-patient therapy if needed so i have a lot at stake..i dont think it will come to that..because i can feel myself getting stronger..and he may not realize it..but hes one of the best reasons im getting well..i love you my friend...

Therapy..part 5...

my blog today is going to cover my relationship with my online boyfriend.. but first i want to tell you that today was my doctors appointment...for my therapy..and she is pleased with me because im taking it so serious... and she gave me an option to have some pills to relax me..but i turned them down flat..i dont need meds..if i get nervous..i call cpher and he comes running and lays in my lap..that comforts me...but getting back to my aley..we started talking on a chat site called ixen in sept of 08... he said all the right things and i fell for him...well were together now but its the fourth time because he kept dumping me and im not sure why...i think he was looking for someone to have steady phone sex with..and i couldnt do it..well i could but id have to be totally in love with the guy first..and i explained that to him but hes willing to hang in there anyway..last month he was diagnosed with acute leukemia and hospitalized for aggresive chemo treatment..he didnt want to tell me because he knew i lost my last 2 boyfriends to death and he didnt want to scare me...and it did..hes still there and doesnt have any results back yet...so that is probably the only real personal stress i have right now.....im not going to blog for long cause i may want to blog again later..i have so much to say..i still have to tell you about my rock n soul mate.. the endless hell chat site i try to stay away from...mobion and even about my job...so i still have a lot to tell you...Linda

Therapy part 4...

I didnt write a therapy blog last nite...im not sure why but i was kind of down and didnt feel like posting..i dont feel like posting today either but if i dont..i wont get better so here goes my ill fated affair with henly..
memorial day of 01..danny and my best friend came by because it was tradittional for me to have a cookout on that day and he knew it..we had a chance to talk that day..and he asked me out so we could talk about danny and of course i said yes..henly and i started going out and ended up moving in together...we had a beautiful condo in darien and everything was great..til we had a fight in march of 04 and henly left and i didnt hear from him for 9 months..on christmas nite my phone rang as i was getting ready for bed..it was henly..he missed me..he loved me and asked if he could come home..i got dressed and drove to his brothers where he was staying and we talked all nite..we worked it out and he came home with me...in january of 05..he asked me to move south with him and start our lives fresh and i agreed..i got on the internet and found us a small place to live and on february 1st..of 05..we headed for southern illinois..i was so happy..our lives were going great..we both got jobs and settled into our new life comfortably... until march 31 of 07..henly wrecked his car out by work..and it was totaled and he didnt know what he was going to do...well henly was raised down here so he had lots of friends in the area and luckily 2 of his best freinds..a couple named bobby and pam..lived right by his job and offered him a place to stay so he could work til he got another car..i missed him but i thought they were wonderful to help him like that..but the months went by and finally it was august and still no car..on august 21st..henly called me at work and asked to borrow some money to put gas in pams car..because she was helping him find a better job..well he always paid me back so i told him to come by my office and i would give him the money...henly came by my work that afternoon and picked up the money and told me he missed me and would try to be home soon..after work, i went home and was surprised that henly didnt call me before bed like he ussually did...(silly as it sounds..he liked me to sing "rockabye henly" as if he were a child)..lol but i didnt worry..i got up the next morning and went to work...i was really busy doing inventory in the warehouse when my boss came and told me..henlys aunt was in front and needed to talk to me..i knew something was wrong then but never imagined how bad it was...she told me that henly had dropped dead with an anerisim...with no warning and it happened as soon as he left my office after picking up the money yesterday....i lost it...his aunt took me home and felt i should hear the details of what happened..it seems the money he got from me was so him and pam could get a hotel room and dope...he died in bed with his best friends wife....two blocks from where i work..i still cant ride past the benton motel without my stomach churning...i guess i wasent as special as i thought i was because he ws the second man of mine that  died..this time i was on suicide watch...and my son moved in to take care of me..my daughter talked me into getting on ixen and there i met two guys that helped me want to live..one is my rock n soul mate and one is my boyfriend now...so you will here about both of them beacuse they both deserve a blog....so i will be back tomorrow with my blog about my boyfriend first...and it, like the other two is also ill fated...if anyone should find these blogs....thank you for reading them...Linda

Therapy...part 3...

i just sat down after a busy day..i got out of the hospital last week and today i felt so good..i moved my whole living room around including my computer desk...its amazing how i bounced back especially being off all my pills for four days now...unfortunatly..ive had a seizure everyday for the last three days but i refuse to take the neuronton..ill just deal with them...so here is more on what ive gone thru...i divorced in august of 1993 and in december of 1993..i met danny..he was a lead singer in a classic rock band..and i fell head over heels for him..as i look back now..i think it was a rebound thing but i refused to admit that to my self....danny and i lived together for seven years..he wouldnt find a regular job..but i didnt push it...i knew he needed time for the band..so i accepted paying all the bills and driving him to his gigs and helping him set up..the last couple of years..danny changed a lot..he got really secretive and wouldnt talk very much..i believe that is when he got into his drugs heavily..so many times, id go to the ATM to take out a few bucks just before payday..and find my bank account empty..he would sneak my card to get the money for his dope...we fought over it and i always ended up forgiving him and letting him stay..i look back at it now..and i think i had such low self esteem beacause of the awful things my ex husband did to me..i guess i thought i deserved what danny was doing....and i was lucky he wanted me...oh god if i could go back and do it differently now...well it all came to a head on november 12,2000...it was a sunday and danny liked to stay up all night playing his guitar on saturdays..so i didnt think anything when he slept in the spare room..i quietly cleaned and made a great pot roast for dinner and when it was done...i went into the bedroom to wake up danny for dinner...i found his lifeless body laying on the bed...i lost it..i started screaming and my son and his kids were in the living room and he came running...checked danny and called the police..i barely remember the police coming and the coroner...they found a needle on the bedside table and the coroner said he was shooting up..and his heart stopped.....i blame myself for not making him leave when i knew he was stealing my money for dope..if i had..he might still be alive today...after the funeral i moved to a different town to start over..about six months later..i ran into henly..he was mine and dannys best friend..we were like the three muckateers...we went out for a drink..and before it was over..another deadly affair had started...to be continued tomorrow....

Therapy..continued

well its day 2 and i just got home from my daughters house where we had a cookout...we had steaks, chicken,(my personal favorite!), brats, burgers and hot dogs..and also potato salad, corn and watermelon..it was great food and great company..its funny cause one of there friends asked me out..lol and its been years since ive gone on a date...itll be a while tho cause Carl broke both his legs in a falll so hes temporarily in a wheelchair,,,but now moving on to my problems...i was married at 18 and thought i was the luckiest girl in the world but soon found out i was wrong..we immediatly moved to chicago..where i became pregnet with my daughter...right after we setteled in he began to change...he became verbally abusive calling me awful names saying i was fat and ugly..and the larger my pregnacy got ..the meaner he got..i was very sick with being pregnat..and it made him worse..hed go out drinking after work till the bars closed and come home after i was sleeping..and pull me out of bed and begin beating me...it was so horibble..to try to protect the baby and feel his fists everywhere..i begged him to stop and it made him madder..one night i was sleeping and he brought 4 of his friends home ..woke me up with a punch demanding i get up and cook. breakfast for all of them..was no way i could do it..so he became so angry, he tipped over the bed on top of me and it was a heavy iron bed..it was horrible ..he made me sleep there all night as punishment for not cooking for his friends...you ask why i didnt leave?..i believed him when he said he would kill me if i ever left him..i was far away from my family with no phone and no transportation...so there was no one to help..the neighbors called the police a few times when they heard my screams but the police would tell me..they cant get between a husband and wife..they didnt have domistic battery laws back then..so even tho i was sitting there bleeding and bruised the police walked out and didnt help me...this went on for years and finally they had the domestic battery law and its all that saved me...one night, i came home from work and he was waiting for me..he punched me in the eye blacking it and tried to choke me leavin large bruises on my throat..my kids ran next door and the neighbors called the police..when he heard the sirens..he jumped off me and ran out the back door..the police took pictues of my face and allowed me to sign a complaint...and a warrant was issued for his arrest..they guarded the house all night in case he came back in the night and the sergent drove me too the courthous the next morning to get an order of protection...i didnt really feel safe..because he stalked me 24/7..but it finally ended and before the ink was dry on the divorce papers..he married his long time girfriend who hed been cheating on me with...i felt so good having him out of my life and the kids were happier too...we divorced in august 1993....and in december of 1993...i met danny...he was the opposite of my exhusband in the way he treated me..but he had a dark side too.......to be continued tomorrow nite...

Therapy...

Since nobody knows me on here..i feel pretty safe putting my thoughts on here..while at my Doctor this past Wednesday...one of her suggestions was to start a journal..and put all my thoughts..memories..and feelings in a journal..and she thinks it may help...well since i feel more comfortable blogging then writing in a book, I've decides to write here everyday...so hmm where do i start???well i think ill talk about the last couple of months..before i go into what led up to today...for the last few months..I've been feeling really sad..i just wanted to get into bed and never get up again...to hide from the world..i would cry everynite on the long drive home from work or at the drop of a hat....at the advice of a close friend, who recognised the signs of depression..he insisted i go to the Doctor and i did....he was right..the depression was so bad..i started having seizures, where pain would shoot up my arms and leave me helpless for several minutes..she put me on several meds to stop it..and i seemed to be coasting along for a while, getting better..til 2 weeks ago today...i got very sick at work...and ended up in the hospital..i was in extreme pain in my stomach area and they found out i was severely dehydrated...well they admitted me and found my gall bladder very infected and full of stones..omg the pain was horrendous..they put me on IVs of fluids and antibiotics and were shoving morphine in me..(that was the good part) lol..but they released me after a couple of days with antibiotics and pain pills..and told me to come back in a week for surgery..i made it 2 days and hurt so bad..the admitted me again and removed the gall bladder as it was ready to rupture..i almost died..what a sobering thought...when they released me from the hospital last Friday..they sent me home with more pain pills and that was my downfall...i was taking the new meds along with the pain pills from last week and all the meds i was taking for the seizures and depression....well after a couple of days of this..i was fried...it got to the point that i dumped all of my pills in my hand, and was going to take them...remember now...i don't drink and have never been a person to take anything stronger then aspirin..and here i am with all these pills..well thank god, better sense took over and i stopped myself from talking the pills...i immediately called my Doctor who squeezed me in and im starting therapy next week....tomorrow, ill go into the abuse and other factors in my life that i feel caused what im going thru now..if someone should read this...thank you....Linda